Dream A little Dream Of Me
by EldestSalvatore
Summary: Though darkness had clouded him light would find him. Go through Damon's journey during desiccation and see who he reunites with along the way. This is for all those faithful Damon and Elena fans out there and remember we're going to survive this because it'll clear up.
1. This is Goodbye

**Summary:** Though darkness had clouded him light would find him. Go through Damon's journey during desiccation and see who he reunites with along the way.

 **Authors Note:** Sometimes you are compelled by watching something and it draws you to write. In my case, it's this story that you are about to read. With Nina's absence it makes the things we wish to see far within our reach but thanks to imagination we still have that chance to dream. Here you will find that dream. Originally this was going to be a one shot but as I wrote I found more inspiration. This is for all those faithful Damon and Elena fans out there and remember we're going to survive this because it'll clear up.

* * *

 _Live your life_

 _You are my life_

 _I will always choose you_

Saying goodbye to Elena Gilbert hadn't been something Damon would have ever been prepared for. Had he been selfish he never would have met her on the road to say goodbye in the first place because out of everything he found letting her go to be the hardest thing he had to do. As he waited for her on that long and winding road he had made his choice in seconds. Her because the choice was simple live his life without her or be right beside her. Would it be hard to give his goodbyes to his loved ones? Of course but in Damon's eyes this had been the right thing to do and though they'd probably hold a grudge over it he'd hope they'd get over it. His mind had been made and all he had to do now was tell Elena and he'd find himself shortly lying beside her.

 _Things are going to be awfully dull around here without you_

Dull? Dull? That was using the word lightly because right now he was putting up a brave front around her. Usually, with Elena, he never wore a mask he showcased his true self but now he was trying to be strong for her because as hard as this is for him he knows its ten times harder for her.

 _I was thinking about doing the starvation diet. The desiccation makes the time go faster_

There he had said it. His plans now lay out there in the open as he had to endure Elena's reaction and rather than it being hopeful he noticed how she seemed disappointed and displeased.

 _This isn't going to work if you just shut down_

What the hell did she expect from him? Did she expect him to walk on sunshine knowing that the love of his life was trapped in a box and locked in darkness? Did she expect him to go about his days like everything was fine when it was far from that?

 _I need you to live your life_

 _YOU'RE MY LIFE_ he wanted to shout it out so loud that even the heavens heard it but he was drawn to silence as she continued on. His head spinning trying to process what she's asking of him.

 _Enjoy yourself….I want you to be happy_

Why wasn't she getting it? Why couldn't she understand that the very definition of happiness in his eyes was standing right before him? Why couldn't she see that by leaving her and letting her go he'd never find enjoyment or happiness because just like her he'd be left in absolute darkness.

 _I will always choose you_

In the end, as they shared their last dance he found himself choosing her over his own happiness because he had given her exactly what she had requested of him to live his life. It was symbolic in a way that it had been on this long and winding road were they had said hello only in the end to say goodbye.

Goodbye to happiness

Goodbye to the light

Goodbye to the girl

Goodbye to his life

* * *

There had been a time were Damon Salvatore had viewed himself as strong he might even say invincible but ever since losing the girl he found his strength lost as well. It hadn't even been a full year and already he found himself wanting to throw in the towel and submit to the darkness because even in the darkness he'd have the chance to find light again.

He had never been one who gave goodbyes because goodbye's meant caring and caring meant vulnerability and unlike his brother he really wasn't a fan of that. Unfortunately for Damon try as he might he did care and he gave a damn and he found it only right to say goodbye even if it was in the form of a letter. Luck hadn't been on his side though when his brother had strolled into the Boarding House and rather than simply setting the letter on a table to be found he found himself face to face with his brother. Guilt running through him at the flash of hope that had crossed his younger brother's features. At the thought that Rayna was finally dead giving him the chance to finally get the girl. Seemed now that the universe wasn't on Team Stefan either as Damon had to deliver the news that the huntress was still very much alive and vengeful as ever. Maybe Stefan had believed that Damon would once again strap on his temporary hero hair and save the day but instead he was hanging it up for sixty years give or take.

 _If there's a fraction of you that cares about me your brother, your family then you will not walk out that door._

The comment should have been enough to halt Damon's steps but it hadn't been and maybe if his younger brother had been human, on a ticking time clock to death he'd gather whatever strength he had left to get himself to stay.

They were vampires though and that was the gift and curse of eternity because even with sixty years passed they'd still remain themselves. Stefan would hold a grudge over Damon choosing himself _what else is new_ he'd brood, most likely have more frown lines added on his face and yet somewhere along the way everything would be worked out.

"Save a bottle of good bourbon for me. We're going to need it to sort all this out in about sixty years"

Though it seemed to lack heart Damon knew they would sort out this mess because in the end whether they loved each other or despised each other they were brothers and nothing would change that.

Not even sixty years….

* * *

A storage container in Brooklyn NY who would have thought that something as simple as this in his eyes would feel like home?

To everyone else their eyes simply fell upon a coffin but to Damon it was as if Elena was lying right before him, waiting for him. Slowly he steps forward as he approaches her. If anyone was seeing this right now they'd simply see a man running his hand along the lid of a coffin but to Damon he was stroking Elena's cheek.

 _I'm here baby_ a shadow of a smile forming on his lips and as off putting as it seems he finds himself finally content because he knows he's where he belongs. That moment of ease suddenly being disturbed sensing a presence behind him as attuned hearing picks up on the sound of a human heart beat.

"You weren't evening going to say goodbye"

Drawing him to turn around as he meets Bonnie's unsatisfied expression. Great just great couldn't a guy desiccate in peace? Was that really too much to ask for? _You hate me_ referring to the universe _I'd think you'd be pleased I'm taking an extended time out._

"Enzo told me you asked him for Elena's coffin he told me what you were planning. I didn't believe him"

 _Thanks a lot mate_ he bitterly thinks to himself as he casts his gaze towards the floor _this is exactly what I wanted to avoid._ Strike one with Stefan having to encounter him and now here was strike two.

"I thought if Damon desiccates until Elena wakes up I'll never see him again. He'd never do that."

Picking up on the now sarcasm dripping in her tone as he bites back a sigh "I wrote you a letter" he nonchalantly states "and I gave it to Stefan" he begins to say but is cut off.

"Are we friends?"

Silence draping over them as he scoffs before managing to deliver a crooked smirk "of course Bonnie…when we actively don't try to kill each other." His tone teasing because he really isn't in the mood to be mushy and gushy _I did enough of that in Ric's letter._

"No I'm not doing that. No insults…no jokes."

Once again Damon's gaze lowering towards the floor, acting as if his boots are the most interesting thing in the world before forcing himself to meet her gaze.

"Are we friends? I know why you wanted to do this in a letter so you could desiccate in peace imagining whatever reaction you wanted. Me reading it and thinking huh I'm really going to miss him. Well too bad because that's not my reaction. This is. I'm not okay with this decision. I'm not okay with you choosing yourself."

Was this her trying to lay on the guilt because if that was the case she was doing a bang up job. Remaining eerily silent as she continues to rant about how this was selfish of him to do because it's the least he can do, listen.

"And I'm not okay with never seeing you my best friend"

Noticing that her tone was starting to shake, his gaze flicking towards her eyes seeing tears welling in them. _I'm not okay with everyone thinking they are enough for me….that I can survive without my life because if you knew me as well as you think you do then you'd know I'm far from happy._ More than anything he wants to shout that out but he withholds it because he's not in the mood for another speech about 'moving on and finding strength' been there, done that and it hadn't worked.

"Ever again"

Managing a weak smile as his gaze remains trained on her accepting this to be their goodbye, their final one.

"This hurts me"

A tear streaming down her face as he stands there allowing her to hit him where it hurts.

"This hurts me"

More tears streaming down her face _this is exactly why I don't do goodbyes_ he miserably thinks to himself because just a few short seconds ago he had been happy. He had felt like a burden was lifted and now as Bonnie, his friend stood here actually admitting what he means to her his good mood had been replaced. Watching as she wipes her face and the broken expression she had been wearing now turning almost dare he say cold?

"As you desiccate…and as you feel the pains of hunger….as the blood drains from your body that's what I want you to remember."

A look of hurt crossing Damon's dark features as he hears his friend not giving him well wishes or support but wishing pain on him.

"That you hurt me"

This was going to be their goodbye? As twisted and messed up as their relationship had been it had actually become something. From a witch who hated his guts and viewed him as the definition of pure evil to a very good friend now standing in front of him confessing how hurt he was making her because he wanted to say goodbye. This would be final because Damon wouldn't wake until Elena was finally up and for Elena to be up Bonnie would have to die and he didn't want her last words to be out of anger.

"Bon" he begins as he takes a small step forward "listen to me" listen to what exactly? No matter how much he tried to explain his reasoning for this no one understood him not Bonnie and not even his brother because they had never loved someone as deeply as he loves Elena.

"No…no you don't get to say goodbye"

Without another word he watches as she turns on her leave and makes her exit. _That was goodbye though_ he thinks to himself knowing going off after her would change nothing because he'd still leave and find his way back here. With a small nod of his head accepting the consequences he watches as his friend disappears.

Moving forward he glances out and over the Brooklyn Skyline, his gaze pushing further as he looks at the city that seems far within his reach holding the dreams that he and Elena planned together.

 _Five years from now where are you_

 _In a loft in Tribeca_

Well they were one step closer to that dream, both now residing in New York. Not the way he had hoped but they would make said dream a reality. Gaze lingering a second more as he allows himself to imagine what it would be like to simply sit on the couch massaging Elena's feet after a hard day of work at the OR. _Yeah my girl the doctor_ a shadow of a smile pulling at his lips before he snaps out of it letting reality sink in that he's not in Tribeca but a storage unit. Grabbing the handle of the garage door, pulling it down as he closes the unit and shuts the rest of the world out.

Now cloaked in darkness because no light is being shed into the unit but he doesn't need light because his light is slumbering peacefully. Making his way over towards his coffin _might as well call it my bed_ eyeing it for a moment before he swings one leg inside and then the other. The feeling slightly eerie knowing that this will be his home for the next sixty years.

A hint of fear crossing him but rather than questioning himself he casts his attention over towards the coffin beside him, over towards Elena and immediately he finds himself soothed. Glancing back straight ahead he remains unmoving letting it sink in that this is it.

 _This isn't goodbye its simply see you later_

Sure he'd wake up to change but if Elena could do it without having a choice then he sure as hell could do the same. Nodding his head as he reaches for the lid of the coffin, pushing it upward so that it comes down and as it comes down he mirrors the action laying his body to rest.

Though darkness had clouded him

Light would find him…..

* * *

Darkness had been the first thing he had seen when his eyes had shut. Was that what this would be like? Is this what Elena had been going through all this time? Locked in a never ending darkness? The thought alone making his heart drop and guilt sets in for abandoning her in the first place.

Before he has a chance to experience self loathing a bright and blinding light displays itself causing him to draw his arm forward as he shields his eyes. What the hell was this? Dark to light? Morning and night? He wasn't sure what the hell was going on or what he had signed up for. It seemed like eternity but finally the light seemed to die down, removing the shield from his eyes as he blinks them a couple times letting them adjust as he tries to take in his surroundings.

When he's finally able see clearly he casts his gaze down as his brows furrow in confusion noticing his formal attire. Going into slumber he had worn jeans and a simple v-neck sweater but now he's wearing a tuxedo. "What the hell" he mutters to himself flicking his gaze up and seeing two oak doors before him, slightly open as he squints and sees light peeking through.

Figuring he's meant to step into wherever it leads he places his palm on the doors and gently pushes it open as he steps through. A sense of déjà vu hitting him as he recognizes a barn but it's not the barn he's focusing on its what's inside the barn or rather who. His steps halted as he suddenly finds himself completely frozen in his place, his eyes remaining trained on the back of her figure and though she has yet to turn around he knows it's her instantly.

More than anything he wants to run to her but it's as if he's glued to his spot. His mouth opening to say something but no words come out as he tries to let it sink in that she's here. Maybe here the universe is on his side because to his luck he watches as she turns around most likely feeling his presence because they were known for doing that when the other entered a room.

The second that brown meets blue a flood of emotions crashes against him as his eyes settle on her face. A face that haunted his every dream and whether this was a dream or not it didn't matter to him because in some form or another she was back.

Watching as a shy smile pulls on her lips "hi."

Hi? Who would have thought a simple word, one word such as hi had the ability to shatter him. Tears welling in his eyes as he swallows hard finally finding the strength to speak as he offers her a weak smile "hi back."

Instead of elation spreading across her beautiful features he watches as her brows knit in sudden confusion.

"That's not your line."

Now it was his turn for confusion to sweep over his dark features. "My line" he repeats arching his brow "what line?" Okay, this isn't exactly how he had pictured this going but she was talking with him and that was something he'd gladly take.

Nodding her head "you're supposed to say" falling silent for a moment "I thought the bridesmaids dress was supposed to make you look like a freak of nature."

"Bridesmaid" the confusion not yet removing itself from him until he finds himself looking away from her angelic face and taking in her appearance. A familiar purple dress capturing his attention, a dress he had been all too familiar with because he had once removed it from her delicious and breathtaking body. More realization coming as he now notices she's standing at an alter, an alter were his best friend and his wife had thought this to be their happiest of days only turning to the most heart breaking of ones. A day that Damon had viewed to be the best day of his life becoming the worst day imaginable, eyes glancing up towards the window that had shattered thanks to Kai, recalling the shards that had pierced through Elena's flesh. Eyes closing as he shakes his head "no….no if I have to live through this day again I rather be sent straight back to hell because anything is easier than losing you."

This didn't make sense. Never had it played out differently. It was always the same because the memory was unchanging. Right now she was meant to look down at the ground letting out a small giggle before meeting his gaze and explaining how Jo had went easy on her. Instead here Damon was speaking of hell and losing her again? Elena was well aware of what happened after all of this but this Damon wasn't supposed to know. "I don't understand" she begins as she shakes her head wondering why this memory isn't going along as she remembered. "This hasn't happened before….this isn't how the memory plays out."

Eyes widening suddenly as Damon allows himself the hope that yes this is a dream but perhaps a twist of fate had actually brought them together. "You're right" nodding his head as he hesitantly takes a step forward "this is the part where I tell you about my day and how hurt I was that both you and my brother were trying to convince me otherwise not to be human." Noticing a look of disbelief mirroring in her gorgeous orbs "were I tell you of one bickering old couple who by their actions alone spoke to my heart and made me envision a life of being human with you. Then after one hell of a heartfelt speech might I add" he teases with a smile "you finally give me your blessing of wanting to take the cure with you." Another step towards her not wanting to scare her off "Elena this isn't a memory playing out in your head….I'm not a memory" gesturing towards himself as he sucks in a nervous breath "I'm here."

"Wh-what" skepticism clear in her tone "no in order for you to be here then that means" tears starting to well in her eyes "dead" she half whispers before lifting her hand to her mouth to hold back a sob.

Realizing what she's thinking he quickly closes the distance between them as he takes both of her hands in his, squeezing them gently "no Elena I'm not dead" he promises "but I am one of the d words….I'm desiccating."

 _I was thinking about doing the starvation diet. The desiccation makes the time go faster_

Their last conversation suddenly playing in her mind. So he wasn't dead relief spreading through her but his next comment drawing her to wretch her hands away "you're what!"

"Elena" feeling that familiar ache fill him as her hands slip away from his "I tried" he says in defeat "I tried to live my life but I couldn't do it."

Does it look like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders? Yes but she sees past it because this isn't what she had asked of him. "Try being the key word Damon you obviously didn't try hard enough."

The broken expression he had been wearing, the confidence he lacked suddenly gone now replaced in anger "don't" he says through gritted teeth "don't you dare act like you know the hell I went through because FYI Elena…I went through hell…literally" he spats out.

Flinching at the roughness in his voice "I….I don't understand."

"I'd say wait for the movie but sixty years from now I'm sure you'll be able to watch the hologram version" sarcasm dripping in his tone. "I warn you though you won't recognize the male lead because I sure as hell didn't."

More confused than understanding she releases a soft sigh "how long has it been?"

His tone slightly losing that roughness "I'm not sure" he honestly replies "I lasted only a couple of months until I decided to raise my hands in surrender. " Wanting nothing more to hold her but knowing she seems to want to keep him at arm's length he brushes past her and takes a seat on the alter steps. "At first it was nothing I laid in the coffin….remained there. My senses remained heightened. Sometimes I'd pick up on the sound of a human heart beat and the predator in me wanted to go out and feed but I fought it back. The temptation to push the lid open and simply stretch my legs presenting it to me but I held it back. Eventually my senses diminished and because of the fact that I hadn't been drinking blood I began to feel my body dry out. I became weak and then I came to the realization it must have been a long period of time because my body was starting to become its own fossil. Before it started sometimes I'd move my legs inside the coffin because it was cramped…sometimes I'd get cramps and shake them off but I soon noticed I couldn't even move my own limbs. It was impossible."

Feeling the slight breeze caress her as Damon walks past her she turns around watching as he takes a seat. As he begins to speak about his time desiccating she can't help but recall a past conversation she had with Katherine.

 _It must be painful to desiccate and mummify. I can't even imagine_

Speak about desiccation to any vampire and the end result always seemed to be them flinching because out of every way to suffer this wasn't the method they wanted to endure. Damon hadn't been forced to go through it because he had chosen to do it and the thought alone broke her heart.

Elena's silence only drawing him to continue to speak "if I was able to sleep I'd only be greeted to darkness….I was trapped in it for the longest time….just this dark abyss and then suddenly I was bathed in this beautiful light." Shifting his baby blues to her as he offers her a soft smile "I shouldn't have been surprised that it led me to you."

A hint of a smile playing at her lips at his last statement. Deciding to try and hear him out rather than lecture she makes her way over to him as she takes a seat beside him. "What could have been so bad that made you drawn to say goodbye?"

Damon's dead heart resurrecting itself the second he feels her beside him as he offers her a weak smile "there's so much….I wouldn't even know where to start."

Hesitantly she places her hands over his "how about at the beginning" she suggests with a soft smile "and we'll go from there."

Glancing down at her hands over his he finds himself feeling something he hasn't experienced for the longest time, complete. Running his thumb tenderly across her knuckles "ok" not yet speaking allowing him a moment to be selfish and appreciate the simple fact that she's sitting next to him.

"Okay."

"I thought saying goodbye to you was one of the hardest things but it was returning back to the present….back to the crypt and finding the strength to walk away." That night hitting him as past pain suddenly becomes fresh again. "I had to step out into a world where the love of my life didn't exist…a world that I'd be forced to spend sixty years give or take without you by my side."

That night fresh in her mind one second his lips had been pressed tenderly against hers and the next she had found herself alone on the road and since then loneliness had been all she had known. Interlacing her fingers with his "after you left the crypt where did you go?"

"Home" he answers simply before he scoffs "only it didn't feel like home and I knew that but the masochist in me went back….because I needed you….even if it was just feeling your very presence. That night I had been on my last thread….I wanted to break down….to shatter so it matched the shattering of my own heart but I wanted to be strong for you. Once I was alone though back at the Boarding House I allowed myself to let go."

* * *

 _Why the hell had he come home? Maybe it was because he was a masochist and he enjoyed the pain. Maybe he needed to feel Elena's presence and that's what had led him back to the Boarding House. Slowly his feet carrying him up the staircase that leads to their, his private wing of the house until he reaches his bedroom. Stopping in the doorway as his gaze falls to their bed. A flood of memories hitting him, the many times they had made love, her cries of pleasure, their echoes of I love you's as they fell off the edge together and the moments they'd wake wrapped in each other's arms. Those memories that he cherished crashing hard against him to the point that he staggers back as a broken sob escapes him._

 _When others surrounded him he had kept himself in check and collected but now standing in the doorway of their bedroom all alone he finally allowed the events to come crashing down on him. The tears that he had been holding back for Elena to show he was okay now freely falling down his cheeks. Clouding his vision as more continue to run down, his anguished cries and full out sobs being the only sound heard in the house but it's not just the sound of his cries being heard it's the sound of his heart breaking._

 _Tears because of the future they had planned that would now have to be put on hold_

 _Tears because he'd be forced to live his life without his life_

 _Tears because Elena had always been the ones to put others first and somehow she still had gotten the short end of the stick_

 _He cried because of what she'd be missing out on like seeing her own brother grow up to be a man._

 _He cried because when she finally did wake it wouldn't be greeted to happiness because she'd be greeted to all that she had lost._

 _Tears continuing to trail down his cheek, his heart still shattering until he's left with nothing and as much as he wants to cry he finds he no longer can because he's all cried out. No longer does he feel sadness but instead rage coursing through him. Whenever he was about to snap he'd seek Elena because she was his solace who kept him grounded and now she wasn't here to calm the storm that would be following._

 _That storm being the damage he was about to do to his own room. Anything that was in his path resulted in destruction, breaking anything that was within reach and once that object was broken he moved onto the next. Entering the bathroom though had increased that fury as his eyes fell to all of Elena's cosmetics lined neatly on the sink counter. She had gotten ready, preparing herself for the wedding never expecting that by the end of the night she wouldn't be coming home. He could still smell the lingering scent of her strawberry shampoo she had used, growling as he moves straight towards the counter, angrily shoving everything off as they crash to the floor. Some breaking because of his roughness but what did it matter? It wasn't like she was going to be using any of it._

 _Eyes finding their way towards his expansive and custom made shower, the walk in shower were they had both used the space to their advantage in more ways than one. His fists connecting with the tiles not once, twice or three times but countless times until he withdraws his now bloody and bruised fist. Barely flinching accessing the damage in the bathroom before exiting, feet carrying him straight over to his bed._

 _This was their bed and each time he'd wake up he'd find an empty space beside him. A space that had been hers and only hers. No longer would his eyes flutter open and be greeted to the breath taking angel snuggled up beside him. No longer would he find peace in this room because wrapped up in her it was as if they were in their own world, just with each other the way it should be. No longer would Elena be here, the memories of this bed that he once cherished he now dreads._

 _Grabbing the table leg that he had broken off from his desk, drawing his arm back and in one fluid motion he strikes as it comes in full contact with the head board of the bed. Repeating the action a couple of times before his hands reach underneath the mattress and violently flipping it as it launches through the air._

 _"YOU LEFT ME"_

 _"YOU TOOK HER FROM ME"_

 _Everyone he had ever loved had abandoned him his mother, Katherine but now Elena she had always been at his side until now. The only difference was she hadn't been a willing participant, she hadn't chosen to leave him in fact she hadn't even had a choice._

 _"YOU TOOK HER"_

 _Shouting to the universe because it seemed to get off on his pain. The slat now being used as a bat as he continues to beat his bed apart, swing after swing, until even he finds himself exhausted, dropping the slat, sinking to the floor and finding Elena's pillow right at his feet._

 _Reaching for the pillow like he would reach for her, drawing it to his chest, and clinging onto it for dear life. Tears once again being found as they travel down his cheek, his eyes close as he hugs the pillow to his chest._

 _"Please come back to me"_

* * *

It takes everything in Elena not to full out sob as he recalls that night. She hadn't seen him break apart but his words alone are enough for her to feel the pain he had carried with him the night they had said goodbye.

Feeling Elena's hold on his hands increase he chances a glance towards her direction seeing that she's trying to collect herself and even he knows there are no words to comfort her. "I fell apart….I'm not sure how long I was hauled up in there but it was Stefan who later dragged me out."

"What happened next?"

"I did something I'm not known for doing" seeing her tilt her head curiously at him "I ran away. Mystic Falls no longer felt like home. No matter where I was I was reminded of you and it hurt too damn much. Ric was grieving" not missing the pained expression showcase on her expression at the mention of Alaric "so I kidnapped him figuring it would be good for the both of us if we took a little vacation….Bonnie tagged along I suppose to be our chaperone."

Grateful for the fact that Damon and Alaric had leaned on each other, surprised that Bonnie had been added to the equation "I'm glad she came" watching his sour expression but dare not questioning "she was able to look after you both."

"I wasn't" he's quick to say.

"Why?"

"Because each time I looked at her all I saw was you. She was a walking and talking reminder of what I lost."

"Damon" she sighs softly "this wasn't Bonnie's fault it was Kai's."

"If Bonnie hadn't been on such a vendetta to enact revenge on Kai he never would have struck so violently…Alaric and Jo would have gotten married….she would have had her kids _instead of Caroline being the carrier_ and you wouldn't have been stuck here." Yup, sure time had gone by but he was still locked on the fact that all roads of blame led back to Bonnie.

"That's not fair Damon" removing her hands from his and placing them on her lap. "Bonnie has sacrificed so much for those around her for….you and me. In the prison world at least she had you and then when you got sent back she was left with a psycho path who did a number on her. The night we returned back to the prison world she found a chance to make him pay for what he put her through and she took it. You can't blame her for that because who would have predicted he would have come back?"

 _Here she is lecturing me and I'm welcoming it_ "evil never dies….they always return to deliver some cliff hanger she should of known there was the smallest of possibilities he'd come back."

"Okay" nodding her head "tell me then if it had been you who had been trapped in the prison world with him and you had been given the chance for revenge would you have taken it?"

Well that was a no brainer and even without answering he knew Elena knew what his answer would be. Huffing in defeat because he knows he's busted thanks to the voice of reason "touché."

"Please tell me you got over your resentment and looked past it?"

"Yeah" his eyes straying straight ahead.

"Oh no" reading him perfectly "what did you do."

"Nothing" he's quick to say before he purses his lips together "alright I might have almost let a car hit her" he nonchalantly states.

"WHAT"

Inwardly flinching _good job buddy another lecture coming your way_ "I know it comes off sounding bad but in my defense it was only a three second hesitation before I saved the day."

"You shouldn't have hesitated at all Damon she's our friend."

"I know that" he practically roars "I know" he repeats this time his tone softer "I felt guilty about it. Deep down I know she's not the one to blame but as I stood there watching as the van came closer I found myself no longer standing on the streets of Amsterdam but back in Mystic Falls with you getting ready for goodbye. Suddenly hit with the pain of living without you and for those three short seconds I allowed myself to be selfish thinking of what it would feel like to have you back in my arms but then I realized something."

Trying to bite back her anger because she can see how much he's struggling "what did you realize?"

"It took me three seconds for reality to set in. By the first second I thought how amazing it would be to have you in my arms. By second number two your lips were pressed against mine…but by the third second you were out of my arms realizing that you had come back earlier than expected…realizing what I had done. I realized I would have lost you in the end because no matter how much you love me that love wouldn't have been enough to look past my selfish act….and when you did come back I wanted it to be the right way….so I chose to do right by you….to be the better man."

"Damon" she begins "I'm glad you were the better man but you need to be the better man not just for me but for yourself."

"I know", _easier said than done_ he bitterly thinks. "We patched things up though back in Mystic Falls we had to go back because my mother and her evil step children had taken over."

Elena's eyes widening at that new bit of information "you mean Lily succeeded in bringing her heretics back?"

"Yup" giving an extra pop of the p.

Trying to judge from Damon's expression at the mention of his mother but his mask up making it difficult for her to tell what's going on in his head. _Guess I'll have to poke around then_ "alright so she got her family back that's a good thing right….that's what she wanted from the start. I'm sure it wasn't good at first but maybe with them back she became a mother again to you" her tone hopeful as ever.

Turning his head to face her "oh Elena I'm glad to see you have that cute but annoying optimism still" he teases.

Her expression falling "so it didn't go well?"

"Didn't go well is the simple way of putting it" he scoffs. "Lily and her band of misfits took over the town. Her blood hungry step children killed anyone in their path. It got so bad that Stefan and the rest had to compel all humans out of Mystic Falls. Blaming it on a gas explosion of all things" rolling his eyes "obviously they lack the ability of storytelling. Mystic Falls became a ghost town. Stefan being Stefan wanted to be the peacekeeper with Mother dearest but you know I'm not the type who plays by the rules."

Mystic Falls had been taken over? Not only her town but her home had been ruled by strangers? What was left of it now she couldn't help but wonder? Would she still recognize when she woke up or would she only know it from her memories? "You and behaving don't fit well in the same sentence" she teases, nudging his shoulder lightly in hopes to bring lightness to the conversation.

"Exactly" he comments with a prize winning smirk but it falls "I did what I do best acting recklessly. I killed one of her own family members and for that I paid the price."

"What price?"

"You" recalling the wild look in his eyes as he had entered the crypt only to be greeted to emptiness "she punished be by taking the one thing I held dearly. She knew I was hanging by a thread by hanging onto you. By protecting you so she broke the seal…and she took you from me." Seeing the worry in her eyes "she cloaked the coffin" he adds in "the one time she acted like a mother by punishing her own son."

Elena's eyes falling closed _so much for hoping that things could be mended between mother and son_ opening her eyes back to look at Damon "I'm sorry."

"It wasn't your fault Elena it was my own. I acted recklessly without thinking…something I seem I can't break habit from."

"No" shaking her head "I mean I'm sorry that your own mother betrayed you like that."

"That wasn't even the half of it she delivered much worse" he cryptically states. "Eventually I recovered your coffin thanks to bargaining but rather than keeping you I sent you away. That was my problem everyone else who looked at that coffin only saw a coffin but each time I looked at it I only saw you. I always see you and I knew as long as we both remained in Mystic Falls…as long as I knew were you were I'd never be able to move on so I handed my trust over to Tyler Lockwood of all people and I watched you leave carrying my heart along with you."

Carefully she rests her head on his shoulder releasing a soft sigh "I know that must have been hard for you to do but I'm proud that you did it."

Mirroring the movement as he leans his head to rest atop hers "as I watched Tyler's truck drive away I watched whatever light I had left in my life leave me….remaining only in darkness."

Her eyes falling shut as she inhales letting his scent surround her smiling as she catches that oh so familiar smell that is so Damon. "You made things right with your mother does that mean you patched everything up" yup she was still trying to be hopeful.

Holding back the urge to laugh "my mother was far from motherly but you know how they say kids pick up the characteristics of their parents" he questions before continuing on. "Well Stefan picked up the ripper gene from her and I found out when it came to matters of the heart we each had that in common."

Keeping her head resting on his shoulder "what do you mean…did she fall in love?"

"No" shaking his head "she hadn't fallen in love she had been in love for years his name was Julian" the name leaving a sour taste in his mouth. "Get this he was the love of her life the man she believed she didn't deserve."

"I feel like I heard this story before" reminiscing the many times and speeches Damon had given her about how he didn't deserve her.

"Our story is much better" he quips shifting his head so that he can press a kiss atop her head. Lingering for a moment as he relishes in her sweet and heavenly scent surrounding him. "She claimed he made her a better person and then she had the audacity to ask me if I knew anything about it to which I obviously did. "Oh" clicking his tongue "side note as this discussion was happening her beloved's coffin was beside me because she was trying to raise him from the dead and I along with Stefan wanted to kill him." Deciding he didn't have the right to give Stefan's reasoning for why he wanted to put a demise to Lily's lover. "Standing there I felt like I was listening to my own story and I was looking at her in a whole new different light and for a fraction of a second I had Gilbert optimism thinking we'd be able to swap love stories."

The fraction of a second catching her attention knowing whatever hope he had held onto had been diminished quickly. Preparing herself for the worst "what happened next?"

"The truth came out."

 _Oh this definitely isn't good_ cringing but pushing herself to ask the next question "which was?"

"That you love a man whose own mother sides against and chooses her family over her own flesh and blood. That the reason you've been stuck in a Sleeping Beauty curse is because of me."

"Damon" lifting her head so that she can see him.

"It's the truth Elena the reason why you're here….Lily put you here she whispered in Kai's ear to make this curse happen….you're here because my own mother didn't love me enough…you're here because you made the mistake of loving me."

So Lily was the reason why her loved ones lives would go by and she wouldn't be there to see it. Wouldn't be there for goodbyes? Did it hurt? Yes but if anything she was more betrayed by the fact that Lily had chosen to hurt her own son "Damon."

"No Elena" rising from his spot as he walks past her, shaking his head "you're here because of me….because of my mother" he shouts out. "The world still is continuing to spin madly on without you….and you're missing out on so much because of me."

Mirroring Damon's actions as she's quick to rise to her feet, striding over towards him as she reaches for his arm only for him to turn his body away "hey" reaching for his face and taking it in her hands. "Hey" she says again forcing him to look at her "this wasn't your fault Damon. I do not blame you for this just like I don't blame Bonnie. Other factors are the reason for my being here and it doesn't make me love you any less if anything it makes me love you more because of what you had to deal with."

Pained blues meeting her understanding hazel eyes "I was an idiot Elena because as much as I didn't want to hold onto hope I was. Finding out that she was still alive as betrayed as I was by her lying I was willing to look past that because I was filled with the idea of having my mom back in my life. I hoped that she'd meet you, fall in love with you the way I did and" swallowing hard "be proud eventually to call you her daughter in law."

 _There it is_ Damon's admission to wanting his mom back only to be delivered a monumental definition of disappointment. Stroking his cheek as he moves her hands now lacing them around his neck and drawing him forward "oh Damon" she breathes out "I'm sorry."

As if on autopilot Damon's arms wrap around the small of her back, his head moving to rest in the crook of her neck. Softly smiling because with all time passed her body still molds against him as if it was made for him and him alone.

Elena's hands moving down as she rubs soothing circles along his back "its okay Damon…its okay" she promises as she continues to hold him.

Hands slipping lower to wrap around her waist as he pulls back to meet her gaze "that's the problem Elena it wasn't okay because it got worse from there. Finding that out made me vengeful and rather than acting immediately I set a plan in motion. I'd let her relish in having the love of her life back in her life. Let her believe the wait was worth it and when the moment presented itself I'd crush her bliss the way I'd crush her precious loves heart. All the while doing it with a smile on my face, relishing in the sounds of her cries of agony as she realizes the love of her life is dead and gone."

Holding back the urge to shudder as she notices how Damon's voice had changed drastically becoming darker "is that what happened….did you kill him?"

"Operation Six Months got pushed up to immediately because of a secret that Stefan confessed to me." Pursing his lips together for a moment as he considers on whether or not he should tell her _it's from his past….I'm not saying Caroline is pregnant_ deciding to reveal the truth to her. "Do you remember on our road-trip to Chicago I as my entertaining self teasingly read my brother's diary entries saying how Stefan wasn't a virgin" seeing her nod of her head "well turns out in 1863 a girl by the name of Valerie was the one who deflowered my brother…and she was also one of the heretics that belonged to my mother's family. Long story short in one day they had fallen madly for each other…she told Stefan she'd return for him but she never did turns out she was with child and Julian killed the baby."

"Stefan was going to be a father?"

"Yup would have had his own series Sixteen and Pregnant the Hero Hair Files" the tips of Damon's fingers glide along the smooth skin of her shoulder "anyways after finding this out Stefan was driven to kill Julian."

"Did he" shivering at his very touch _god I missed this_

"Shocking as it may seem eventually we got Mommy Dearest to join in after she came to the realization that Julian was just as bad as our father. Sadly though our plan backfired on us she was willing to sacrifice herself knowing that Julian would die along with her because they were linked."

"So in the end she died for you" she whispers.

"It didn't change anything Elena" his expression hardens "as she got closer and closer to meeting the Grim Reaper each person gave their goodbyes but I didn't all I told her was to have a nice nap."

"Do you regret it?"

"Regret what" knowing what she was hinting at but not biting.

"Not giving her a real goodbye."

A far off look appearing in his eyes thinking back to his time spent in hell on a bloody battlefield "more than you know."

"I'm sorry that you didn't get to give her the goodbye you wanted to give" _sorry….sorry that's all I keep saying I feel repetitive_ hating herself because she can't offer more.

"I did though" seeing the confusion in her face "thanks to this nasty little thing called the Phoenix stone…that confusion on your face will remain so I'll give you the cliff notes version it's basically a supernatural holding cell for lost vampire souls" he explains. "The sword that was attached to the stone stabbed me in the heart thus trapping my soul in it."

"Okay" removing her arms from around him taking a step back and trying to process this "so you were stabbed in the heart….and brought into this supernatural holding cell….were you reunited with your mom?"

"You might want to sit because this is one hell of a tale" raising his hands playfully "no pun intended" trying to use dry humor to hide the fear threatening to expose him.

"Good idea" reaching for Damon's hand as she leads them over towards the row of pews, sliding into one, scooting over so Damon can sit beside her.

Joining her as she slides in next to her. "When you think of hell you picture lots of fire….and maybe even a guy with horns walking around but instead I found myself on a battlefield back in 1863 sporting my confederacy uniform."

"So your hell was being back at war?"

"The main goal of the stone is to bring back your inner demons and the first sin I committed was back in 1863 while I was off fighting for the confederacy my brother was nursing a broken heart. From his letter alone each word was laced with pain so I found it only fitting to go back home and tend to my brother. Seeing as I couldn't simply ask for a hall pass I made a deal with the devil with my Colonel. He requested that I go to a farm house that was housing deserters and bring them back it seemed simple enough so I agreed. I had a traveling companion who joined me his name was Henry." Waving it off "anyways…something we assumed would be easy didn't go like we had hoped because when we had told the family to stand down the deserters came through a concealed passageway shots were fired and before I knew it the family along with the deserters were dead. Henry and I covered their deaths up. Being transported to hell I relived that day over and over again think of it like Ground Hog day minus the comedy and happy ending. Countless times I tried to make the end result end differently but no matter what was done blood always remained on my hands."

"I can relate" she adds in "granted I haven't been relieving the same memory over and over again but I'm aware I'm dreaming and rather than going forward I'm just stuck in the same place."

Placing his hand atop hers that are folded on her lap giving a gentle squeeze "finally I decided to choose my own path…somehow that path led me to Lily she was like this guide encouraging me to embrace the pain but I refused to do so. I kept denying her until I finally came across her again on that battlefield with her lying beside me. Instead of it being Henry it was her pinned down, her leg trapped under a canon….she was begging me to help her but I couldn't do it. I kept hearing that voice in my head reminding me of what she had done to me and she had taken from me. I hated her for what she did to you but standing there I realized what I felt was so much deeper and somehow I finally found the truth spilling past my lips. I thought she was dead, I lived with regret at the fact that I…her own son couldn't give her a proper eulogy and then I find out over a century later she's alive and trapped in a prison world" betrayal in his voice. "I find out she took the cowards ways out and abandoned her family only to adopt a new and improved one.

There was resentment in Damon's tone but she saw past that hearing the pain that was hidden beneath it. Looking down at their adjoined hands she sees that Damon's hand is shaking her gaze lifting as she watches him fighting the urge to break down.

"All I wanted was my mother to see the man that I had become. That I wasn't a lost cause worth being turned away from that I had made something of myself and more importantly" his torn baby blues meeting Elena's gaze "that I had found love."

Lifting their adjoined hands to her mouth, puckering her lips and pressing a kiss against his knuckles "it's okay Damon let it out….let go."

Blue not breaking from brown as he holds her gaze "I wanted to tell her our story and I wanted her to see how happy I was even though it had taken a century to find." Tears starting to well in his eyes blinking them back refusing to cry.

Releasing her hold on his hand, cupping his face "don't fight it Damon its okay…you're allowed to have a moment of weakness. You allowed yourself to dream of what could be only to lose it to reality. You can mourn over that….over her."

Not having the power to fight it as a single tear rolls down his cheek "all-all I wanted was my mom back. All I wanted was for her to look me in the eyes and tell me how much she loves me and it would have been enough for me to give her a second chance."

All Damon had wanted at the end of the day was his mother's love _it seems like it was something so easy to give and yet once again the universe had dealt him the wrong hand._

"She ne-never did though she never looked at me as a son only an obstacle and because of it she didn't get a goodbye….she didn't deserve a goodbye." Wanting nothing more to turn his attention away from Elena but her grip on his face forces him to remain looking at her as she watches the once strong Damon Salvatore weaken. "You know when a child is sick and medicine won't do the trick because all they want is their mom" swallowing hard "that's all I wanted….all I wanted was my mom. In that moment watching the light fade out of her eyes all I wanted was for her to come back but she never did."

One tear had been enough for her seeing Damon vulnerable in front of her but the moment that one tear broke free she watched as the rest follow in an unbroken stream. Immediately drawing him forward as she hold onto him for dear life.

"She-she never came back" he brokenly whispers choking back a sob.

The sound of Damon's cries ringing in her ears drawing her own tears to fall "I know…I know."

"She's gone Elena" clinging onto her "my mom is gone."

Running her fingers soothingly through his dark locks "its okay Damon…deep down she knew….deep down she knew that little boy was still there and that he loved her."

Tears continuing to fall from his eyes hating himself for how weak he is but reminding himself if there was anyone worthy of seeing him break its Elena. Holding onto her for a few minutes more, sniffling before drawing back because he knows story time needs to continue. "It was too late" using his free hand to wipe furiously at his cheeks because his other hand is being held captive. "Suddenly I was no longer on the battlefield but inside the Lockwood mansion with our loved ones surrounding me. They kept telling me that I was okay. That I was back again but I didn't want to be back I wanted to be with my mother. I wanted to apologize to her and set things right. I wanted a do over so I pressed the re-start button snapping my brother's arm…snapping his neck but it didn't work. I was still there so I reasoned all had to die and one by one I collected more blood on my hands" Flinching as he sees the horrified expression she is trying to conceal. "I was never sent back though….I was standing in a room surveying the damage I had created. I was lost between madness and sanity….they blended together to the point that I couldn't recognize what was real and what wasn't."

Fearing the worst _did he kill them oh god are they dead is this was he chose to desiccate_ countless questions entering her mind. "Before you said Lily acted like a guide telling you to embrace the pain and you did…does that mean you were brought back?"

"There's no need to beat around the bush Elena ask me" he firmly states.

"Was it real?"

"Yes," he answers only to quickly continue "but they are safe granted I nearly killed all of them."

Not able to stop the sigh of relief that escapes from her "Damon you weren't in your right state of mind. Hell played tricks on you….you said yourself you couldn't differentiate between what was real and what wasn't" she points out.

"You sound like Stefan" he amusingly states "rather than delivering brooding and a lecture he told me I got pass."

"I'm glad he understood."

"He only understood because he was trapped in the stone as well" lifting his hand to silence her "ah ah that's his story to tell not my own."

Both Salvatore Brothers had suffered the Phoenix Stone? It was hard for her to wrap her head around and she couldn't help but wonder the consequences that Stefan had gone through. "Okay so you finally got out of the stone….Stefan forgave you all seemed to work out. I'm not understanding why you felt the need to bring yourself to desiccation."

"That's because hell wasn't the worst."

Multiple flashes of past actions flooding him….

 _Being taunted by Henry_

 _Burning the love of his life_

 _Entering a vampire fight club_

 _Being abandoned by his own brother_

 _Sleeping with a stranger_

Noticing that he suddenly seems as if he's being haunted by something "what was?"

 _Stefan getting marked by the huntress_

 _Finding out Elena was still alive_

Elena's voice snapping him back to the present as the flashes suddenly go away. Dread suddenly creeping up on him because he's reached the part of the story that he doesn't want to tell.

"Post hell."

 **End Part One**


	2. Sins Slip to the Surface

**Author's Note:** Alright guys I warn you this chapter is going to be tough for you because Damon will be confessing to Elena his past sins. Thank you to all of you who have read and taken the time to review. I appreciate it more than you know. This chapter is a little shorter because part three will be quite a doozy but for now on with the show…..

* * *

"Post hell"

In Damon's eyes, nothing was worse than post hell, until now. Realizing that he would have to endure looking into the eyes of the love of his life and confess all his sins and the thought alone crippled him. He would have to look in Elena's eyes admit to killing her and wiping all traces of her touch away letting it be replaced by a strangers.

How could he even begin to explain what had happened to him? He found himself thinking back to when he had just moments ago spoken of going mad on their loved ones and he saw a flash of fear go through her assuming the worst. Could he blame her? When it came to Damon people assumed the worst in him and he only had himself to blame for it.

A good five minutes had passed spent in silence and as Elena sat there watching the man she loves she knew whatever pain and burden he had endured in hell in his eyes seemed to be a cake walk compared to the events that followed. Though Elena didn't want to rush Damon to speak she was now starting to feel anxious and needing to know. Placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder "when you're ready to tell me I'm here."

Elena's tone gentle as ever. Her touch soothing him and he found that he was holding onto such tenderness at the cost of losing it once she knew the truth. "When I came to I was still in the Lockwood Mansion only, this time, I was chained up. At first, I believed it to be a precautionary measure but then my brother explained the real reason for why he didn't want me to be let loose."

Taking her hand and rubbing it reassuringly along his shoulder "what was the real reason?"

"Stefan when he came out of hell he was still haunted by his demons I suppose that I was one of them go figure" rolling his eyes. "I taunted him…apparently I also tried to kill Caroline which made him attack a poor defenseless waiter. My brother felt I was a flight risk but eventually I had been able to persuade him that I wasn't going to have a psychotic break. I even added in the I promise for dramatic effect and it seemed to be enough because the next thing I know he unchained me."

The brief mention of Stefan, Caroline, and waiter perking Elena's interest _did Stefan finally get it right and fight for Caroline? Did Caroline finally give Stefan a chance?_ The small mention of her loved ones making her want to know more but she bites back the twenty questions. "So Stefan let you go free just like that….that doesn't sound like him at all."

"You're right it wasn't because as you know my brother is hard to convince so instead he bargained with me. He wanted to put me to the test making me endure brotherly bonding time. I was to remain by his side until he was convinced that I wasn't a danger to myself and those around me. The test consisted of him driving us around Mystic Falls or rather the new Mystic Falls."

"The New Mystic Falls" not liking the title one bit "and what were you greeted to?"

"A home makeover town edition" he supplies "only when they say move that bus in the towns case I rather have the before than the after edition. We walked into the Grill and I didn't even recognize it. How many times has the Grill suffered from chaos and destruction and yet even through the damage you could see it but this….I couldn't see it. Vampire's were everywhere….humans were being fed on as if you had stepped into an episode of True Blood were it was normal to see a vampire having a bite to eat. Don't even get me started on the smell."

"With your mother gone though that meant Mystic Falls was no longer ruled by her," she comments trying to keep up with the story.

"Yes rather than the Queen running this town the King stepped in."

"Julian" she assumes.

"Bingo" mocking the sound of a buzzer because she had guessed right. "Stefan poked and probed wanting to know about my time in hell. Of course, I used dry humor to answer but what I didn't mention was seeing Henry in confederacy clothing lurking about the Grill."

"Wait a minute" her brows knitting in confusion, "I thought by letting go of your mother you had freed yourself from the stone and ghosts of your past included?"

"So did I" _would have been a lot easier if I hadn't been so stubborn and chosen to remain locked up._ "We ran into the King who graced us with his presence and all I wanted was to rip him limb from limb but Saint Stefan stopped me from doing so. Anyways" he waves off "I got spooked seeing Henry but rather than telling Stefan I brushed past him and made my exit through the back doors. Henry like the pain in the ass ghost that he was followed me outside taunting me saying that I hadn't completed my liberation. I wasn't in the mood for riddles or tests so I plunged my hand into his chest and ripped out his heart. Seeing as he was a ghost no harm, no foul until I realized it hadn't been Henry but one of Julian's vampire friends."

"I'm sure the King didn't take kindly to one of his Jester's being killed."

A look of amusement appearing on Damon's expression at Elena's comical comment. "Thankfully it was Stefan that found me next. I was humiliated by what I had done I hadn't been out for a full hour and already blood was on my hands. I could already see the disappointment on my brother's face because I had failed the test and rather than wait for a lecture I walked away."

"Stefan followed you right" trying to understand at what part Damon had deemed post hell to be his worst because right now killing a low-class vampire didn't seem like anything to worry about.

"Stefan thought he followed me but unfortunately, post hell was still playing tricks on him. So while he dealt with ghostly me still good looking as ever I ended up heading to" pausing for a moment not wanting to let it slip about Caroline being pregnant. "I went to Whitmore to meet up with Tyler" he finishes.

 _I watched Tyler's truck drive away. I watched whatever light I had left in my life leave me. Remaining only in darkness_

Damon's past words hitting Elena knowing exactly why Damon had reached out to Tyler "you wanted to see me."

"I wanted to see you" he repeats confirming she had been correct. "I had been trapped in this dark abyss…trapped in hell only to come out more lost than ever and all I wanted was to see you. All I needed was a little light shed in my life so I could remind myself that it would be okay. That I'd survive this…sane me though before all this madness had happened to tell Tyler under no circumstances was I allowed to see you but eventually since we had a heart to heart he had a change of heart."

"By heart to heart you mean you threatened him" she states in a matter of fact tone.

"Something like that" he mutters.

 _I need to see Damon_

Recalling her hard tone when she had held Luke up not requesting but demanding he gives her more witchy herbs giving her the chance to see Damon. Even though Elena knew Damon was all in her head it had still been enough for her. "I understand" she whispers.

Nodding her head as she gives him a weak smile "when you were taken to the other side I wasn't quite myself either. I did things I wasn't proud of but that's a story for another time. Right now you're telling the story and I'm listening" she reminds him giving him a pat on the shoulder.

Wanting to know more remembering when he had gotten back and how Alaric had confessed to him how Elena had been a mess. Never though had it been revealed to Damon how much of a mess she had been because when he had gotten back he had been greeted to a new and improved Elena. One who no longer remembered him or their love story. "Lockwood took me to a storage facility, leading me towards a red metal shipping container and the second he unlocked it what was lost was suddenly found again as my eyes laid on you. Like I said before I didn't see a coffin I only saw you and as crazy as it was I found myself at peace." Suddenly he's reached the part of the story that has him freezing on the spot but he forces himself to continue. "All the while I didn't realize that Tyler had snuck off…I was too caught up in being near you but I needed to see you really see you so I opened the lid but instead of being met by you slumbering I was met by Henry."

At first, Damon had been telling a story but now as he dug deeper into the story Elena could already see the pain starting to show in his expression. The mention of Henry having her cringe because she knew whenever Damon encountered Henry chaos would follow. "It's okay Damon" her hand slipping lower as she places it over his own "you're not with Henry right now….you're with me."

Damon could feel Elena's hand settle on his and for a selfish second, he relished in her touch. "I wasn't just met by Henry I was met by Tyler as well he had come back with a loaded gun pointed in my direction. He shot me but rather than slowing me down it only increased my anger. It was like I became a rapid dog…I went absolutely wild launching myself at him…pinning him to the ground..slamming his head against the concrete until I heard that satisfying crack and once I deemed him incapacitated I rose to my feet."

Oh god had he killed Tyler? _Damon wouldn't desiccate over Tyler_ as awful as that sounded Elena knew Damon wouldn't find a reason to say goodbye because of Tyler of all people. _Still though_ "is he dead?"

Remembering how he had been in captivity with Tyler turned Cujo "he's okay" he assures her "He was beaten pretty badly but unconscious not dead. Henry was still being a pest sitting up in your coffin taunting me. Haunting me and wanting me to find liberation. Telling me that I needed to let go of what was holding me back. That I needed to be reborn as my true self…I just wanted him to shut up and leave me alone" he hisses out as he clenches his fist.

"Henry was wrong Damon" she firmly states as she feels his hand suddenly move into a fist. "Your true self is not a monster….it's the man beneath the monster that's who you are. Who I've always known you to be."

Glancing down at her hand over his as he begins to feel his heart starting to slowly break apart "I'll hold onto those words because what I say next might change how you see me completely. I wanted him gone. I was done playing games so I returned with a can of gasoline…I doused him with it I was so caught up with Henry that I hadn't even realized I had lit the lighter tossing it at his body. I watched it go up in flames and I felt relief run through me because he was gone…only" swallowing hard "only he-he wasn't."

The stutter in Damon's voice only adding to Elena's nerves knowing that whatever had happened next seemed to spook the hell out of him "Damon" she half-whispers "you don't need to tell the rest."

"No" he says through gritted teeth "I need to tell the rest because you deserve to hear it. You deserve to see me as the monster I am and the coward that I have become." Falling to silence for a moment as he musters up whatever courage he has left to finally lay the truth out. "Henry appeared behind me he hadn't been in the coffin that was consumed by flames….it-it" tears once again starting to appear in his eyes as he casts his gaze down. Damon's bottom lip starting to tremble "it was you" his voice just below a whisper swallowing back a wrecked sob "I killed you, Elena."

 _I killed you Elena_

Time seemed to come to a standstill and in a way she found it ironic considering being here she never had been able to keep track of time. Did Damon pick up on the sound of her very heart dropping? Now she understood, now she got it. _Damon is desiccating because he killed me. This is what drew him to give up and say goodbye_ the pieces coming together. Elena had thought being out of the picture thanks to this sleeping curse meant she'd be safe and now she's realizing she couldn't be more wrong. Sitting here she tried to process that she'd never be coming back. Sure she had realized that upon her return if it truly was sixty years Jeremy, Matt, Bonnie and Alaric would be passed on but she had made peace with it because she had kept telling herself they'd find the happiness they rightfully deserved. As hard as it would be she'd find happiness as well with Damon, human.

Now suddenly that small fraction of hope had been taken from her by Damon of all people. Was she horrified? Disappointed? Yes but not in him because she couldn't blame him for this. Damon had been lost and stuck between trying to see what was real and what wasn't. A mistake had been made and that mistake had been enough to draw him to give up. Part of Elena wondered why he hadn't just taken off his ring or staked him because she knew Damon would see himself deserving of death. When she finally figured out his reasoning she had to swallow back a sob. _Damon doesn't believe he deserves death….he wants to punish himself in the most excruciating way possible. He'll probably have Stefan eventually come and give him blood. Wake up again. Live his life again only to start the cycle again._

Did she want to cry? Mourn the future she had lost? More than anything but as the tears ran down her face she found they weren't for her but for Damon. Looking to the lost and broken man sitting beside her not even daring to look her in the eyes "Damon" she begins carefully as ever "this wasn't your fault…..I don't blame you for this…you weren't in the right state of mind because I know if you were you'd never hurt me."

"The night of the fifties dance after I had revealed to you that Bonnie was alive Stefan confronted me" he finally begins to speak up but his gaze remaining focused straight ahead. "Told me how it had been wrong of me the way I chose to go behind yours and his back like that. Did I know it was reckless? Of course, I did. I told him that I'd let you hate me but at the end of the day, I'd be the one to keep you alive." Now forcing himself to look her in the eyes "but I didn't. I protected you from vampires, evil doppelgangers, witches, werewolves, originals, the big bad wolf, travelers and the list goes on" scoffing in disbelief "who would have predicted that I would be the biggest threat of all to you?"

When Damon's head had been bowed down all Elena had wanted was for her to look at him but now as she found herself looking into that sea of baby blue she regretted it. In a way, it was funny because they say eyes are the window to the soul and right now if that was truly the case then Damon's soul was lost. "You've always protected me, Damon. Out of everyone I've always felt the safest with you….even" struggling with the next comment "even when I was with Stefan."

There was a time when Damon would still view himself as second best to Stefan and a statement like this should have healed him but instead it bruised him. "That was foolish of you then."

"No it wasn't" she firmly states "I stuck by that belief then and I still do" she passionately states. "Regardless of what happened….regardless of this turn of events you are why I have and will always feel safe."

A blanket of silence being draped over them because he found himself at a loss for words. Yes, he'd get to the part were killing her had been all in his head but right now he was trying to process the fact that she wasn't looking at him as a monster but a man _always a man._

"So that's it then" breaking the silence "your reason for choosing desiccation was to punish yourself" shaking her head "you thought it was deserving of you but it wasn't."

"I wanted to die."

Four words and it was enough to shatter her and as much as she wanted to yell at him and beat him senseless she fought back the urge. _Try and understand his reasoning_ "why didn't you then?"

"Death would have been too kind" a sense of déjà vu hitting him recalling he had said those exact words before sealing Katherine up in the tomb. Those cold words that had been directed towards her now for him "it would have been permanent…I didn't deserve that peace."

"So you chose to desiccate" she assumes.

"No I chose other ways of punishment before desiccation" he cryptically states.

 _Do I even want to know_ she wonders before bracing herself "then the floor is still yours."

"Originally I had planned on telling Stefan but then he got all Stefan-y saying how I was stuck with him and that he wasn't going anywhere and as cliché as it sounded after losing everything" swallowing hard "after losing you I didn't want to lose my brother."

"You wanted your brother Damon there is nothing wrong with that" her tone understanding as ever.

"So I held back. I kept it my dirty little secret but even though I hadn't said anything it was all I could think about. I couldn't sleep because each time I closed my eyes I'd see that coffin burning. I'd get a flash of your face being consumed by the flames. The image alone haunted me. All I felt was heartbreak I wanted to feel something else….focus on something else so I sought it out."

"What did you seek out Damon?"

"Punishment…I became reckless again killed one of Julian's men. I suppose you could say there were two sides of me. The strong side forcing myself to live through life and the weak side that desired a death wish. In the end, though Julian saw through it and he decided to introduce me to another outlet of venting."

 _Reckless…..why does he always have to choose the poorer of the choices_ hesitating not even wanting to know what he had done but the curious part of her winning "which was?"

"Vampire fight club."

"Vampire fight club" Elena repeats wanting to make sure she had heard right "so you let other vampire's beat on you because it felt good?"

Hearing the judgment in her tone "each punch I delivered….each kick I gave or heart ripped out I relished in because it gave me the chance to be distracted from what I was really feeling" he explains to the best of his ability. "The weaker part of me eventually won out and I found myself taking the blows. One mountain of a vampire was close to killing me but then a stake was tossed into the ring and I saw it as a sign from the universe."

Elena's expression showcasing her confusion "what did the universe say?"

"That I didn't deserve death. So I grabbed that stake and watched as the mammoth dropped to the ground. Using weapons was a big no, no and Julian immediately wanted to call the match but I told him I wanted more. Eventually, through my charm I was able to get him to agree to join me in the ring. Each hit I got I was presented with a flash….a memory where I told you that I'd protect you….were I'd keep you safe and not allow harm to come to you….then I'd see you dying by my own hands."

"Damon"

"Eventually, Julian overpowered me. I was down on the ground and I knew that I had reached my ending and I was okay with that. I looked through the crowd a hopeful part of me searching for a miracle…looking for you but you were never found. I accepted death he asked me if I was sure and I told him to do it but just as I was about to reach my death Stefan came in like the ever white knight that he is saving the day. Convincing me to rise and walk out….and I did only for him to follow after me demanding I tell him why I was acting this way."

 _All I wanted was my brother_ Damon's past confession echoing in her ears "you told him the truth I take it he didn't react well?"

"That's an understatement. If by didn't react well you mean punching me in the face several times" arching his brow "then no he didn't react well at all. I watched the disappointment showcase in his eyes and I knew he was looking at me like I was a lost cause. I knew in that moment he'd take back his words. I didn't even have the power to watch him walk away….to watch myself lose someone again. In that moment as I stood there processing everything I realized I was truly alone."

Never had Elena ever felt alone. There had always been someone she could turn to in her darkest of moments. Jenna, Jeremy, Bonnie, Caroline, Matt, Alaric, Stefan and Damon never had she ever had to experience what it meant to only depend on yourself. _So then after realizing he had lost Stefan he decided to desiccate_ trying to figure out the rest of the puzzle "is that when you chose to desiccate?" _Had he not given his own brother a goodbye_ knowing with as angry as Stefan had been it would hurt him because of Damon's choice.

"No"

One word answers from Damon had never been a favorite of hers because it meant he was closing himself up "so what did you do after that?"

"I went home" the mention of home causing him to feel distaste "or as close to home as it could feel like" he corrects with a shrug of his shoulders. "Maybe a part of me had hoped that Stefan and I could salvage things so I stayed but he never came back….instead" now finding that he was having great difficulty with this next part of the story "instead some woman did."

Why did he have to be so mysterious? Why couldn't he just spit it out? Damon had no problem being blunt as ever so why was he walking on eggshells with this part of the story. The mention of a woman peeking Elena's interest _oh god he snapped…..he killed her_ assuming the worst _maybe he felt that to be the final straw because he was losing who he was._ "Damon" no longer finding herself patient "what did you do?"

"I had already embraced the physical pain. I would have died but this stranger who had turned up at the mansion had been the reason why I was still alive. She had been the one to throw the stake onto the stage giving me the chance to break free."

 _Okay, I should be sending a silent thank you to this stranger considering had she not tossed the stake up there Damon would actually be dead._ Maybe he had felt guilty because this woman had helped him only for him to kill her in the end? "Then I'm grateful to her."

Flinching at Elena's comment _let's see how long she sticks by that_ he bitterly thinks to himself. "I had embraced the physical pain" repeating what he had said before finding that he's going around in circles because he doesn't want to say it out loud. "I deserved that pain….but I also deserved the emotional kind as well" hands that had been resting on his lap now clenching together "that kind of pain walking straight into the room with a bottle of tequila along with something else to offer."

Something else to offer? Elena's brows knitting in confusion wanting to yell at him because of his cryptic nature but biting down that temptation. Casting her gaze down and seeing Damon's knuckles practically going white noticing that his nails are literally digging into his own palms. _I died…..what else could he have done that had been so bad_ no longer having the ability to hold back or be gentle. Swallowing hard before finding bravery "just tell me Damon" she impatiently commands.

This was it

Do or die

Bracing himself for the hurt that would soon wash over her. Hearing Elena's demanding tone enough for him to finally swallow back the fear and confess the truth.

"I slept with someone."

 **End Part Two**


	3. Light At the End of the Tunnel

**Author's Note:** Honestly there are no words that will come close to saying how humbled I am for all the reviews that this multi-shot is getting. It means a hell of a lot to me that you once again take the time to read and then give me your feedback. I read each one. Let me warn you this one is going to probably be the toughest of all. When Damon slept with Tequila I had to step back because I was disgusted by his actions and lack of strength but then I tried to see it through Elena's eyes and I hope that you will too. Enjoy and as always reviews are embraced with open arms.

* * *

 _I slept with someone_

There it had been said. Damon's sins now coming to the surface as they slip past his lips with the truth now revealed. With everything he had done during post hell, he had found this one to be the worst one of all. Sure with this confession he hadn't killed anyone other than himself.

Damon had no idea how much time had passed between him. It was the silence that killed him though and the coward in him not finding the strength to look at her face. What would he see? Disgust, disappointment, anger _all of the above_ he miserably thinks.

He could only imagine what was showcased on her expression and if the imagination was enough to wound him he knew her actual face would be enough to kill him. Did he want her to say something? Of course but right now he didn't even have the right to request something from her. The only right he had was to feel disgusted with himself and he did.

 _I slept with someone_

So that was his deep and dark secret? That was what he was so ashamed of? This was why he couldn't even look her in the eyes? Did it hurt to know Damon had given himself away to another woman? More than anything but she also knew it must have been ten times harder for him. Countless times they had called it quits between each other hell even Katherine had broken them up but had he ever turned to sex? Had he ever invited other women into his bed? _No, he always remained to wait for me_ realizing in Damon's eyes he no longer had reason to wait causing him to turn back to his old ways when he had used sex for distraction.

 _No, I'm mad at you because I love you_

 _Well maybe that's the problem_

Recalling the night of the Michelson Ball when Damon had laid it out all on the line and when he had been at his most vulnerable with her only for her in the end to crush him. Even now she remembered his crushed expression before he had covered it up with his mask. Hurting him had been enough for him to turn to Rebekah because he had wanted to forget the pain and more so the feeling of not being good enough.

 _I wanted to feel the emotional pain as well_

This sex hadn't been done for the pleasure it had been done for punishment but from the way, Damon refused to meet her gaze Elena knew he wasn't viewing it that way.

What was she supposed to say? Hating the silence that had fallen between them and wanting to get a conversation going again she says the first thing that comes to mind.

"Okay."

 _Okay_

That wasn't what Damon had expected her to say but it was enough for him to draw his shamed blues forward to finally meet her face. Damon had assumed he'd see a displeased expression but instead he was met with a neutral one making him hate the fact that he couldn't read her for a change. Brows furrowing in utter confusion "okay" he repeats "okay" he says again "that's all you have to say?"

Finally being met by Damon's eyes she can see the bewilderment mirroring in them "yes" nodding her head "what else do you want me to say" she counters with her own raised brow.

"Certainly not okay" he fires back "something along the lines of how could you….you're disgusting…..you're weak….I hate you" throwing his arms in the air "any of those would have sufficed."

Any sign of a vulnerable Damon went as she listens to what he had wanted her to say to him. "Well that's the problem" she begins laying a hand on his shoulder "I don't see you as any of that."

Usual Elena's touch drew him in closer but this time, he found himself drawing away. Flinching at a comforting touch that he was far from deserving of being enough to cause him to jump out of his chair creating space between them. "Why the hell not" he hisses between clenched teeth "because I sure as hell do."

A look of hurt crossing her features as Elena watches Damon not just recoil back but remove himself from her completely "Damon I told you to live your" she begins only to be silenced as she hears a growl echo from his throat.

"I am so sick of that goddamn statement" he bitterly spats, "Elena told you to live your life my brother says….date….have fun…then Bonnie says the same damn thing. Why aren't you all understanding that you are my life, Elena. You were not a fling….you were not just some girl you are the girl" he emphasizes.

"Exactly Damon I wasn't just some girl" seeing the anger radiating off him as he begins to pace around the room "and you lost me so you reacted the way you tend to….you got reckless and I understand."

"STOP UNDERSTANDING" a feral growl escaping him "stop defending me" as he runs his fingers through his raven locks in frustration. "I got reckless" he agrees with her "I got reckless I reacted in Damon fashion…..I do what I always do by taking one step forward and countless steps back." Gritting his teeth together "I reverted back to my old ways" tipping his head back as a sour laugh escapes him "you know I always use to view my brother as weak each time he turned back to being the Ripper and used being the Ripper as an excuse for his actions but I do the same damn thing each time I become the person that I hate."

Remaining absolutely silent as Damon goes on a rant, flinching slightly each time his tone goes higher "Damon" she tries to speak only for him to speak over her.

"For over more than a century of my life after turning, I saw myself only as a monster. Those around me viewed me only as a monster but you" his tone softer "you're the only one who ever saw that there was a man beneath that monster and guess what I liked that man. That man reminded me that the human me was still here….that even without being human I could experience human emotions."

 _Gentle….be gentle and cautious_ the little voice in her head says "you're still that man Damon because you experienced loss and pain….sometimes in our darkest of moments all we find is darkness and we turn to it. I can't blame you for that."

"Why" he probes "why can't you blame me…..why can't you hate me?"

The slight tremble in his voice enough to shatter Elena "because I love you."

"Well stop loving me" he brokenly states "because guess what Elena I don't deserve your love. You want to know how much of a coward I am…..how pathetic I am" he questions not giving her the window of opportunity to answer. "I couldn't even last a year without giving in. I was supposed to wait for the Chateau Cheval Blanc and instead I settled for cheap tequila…..that's how weak I am."

"How could you wait Damon" Elena questions "there was nothing to wait for" _I was dead….am dead_ she corrects herself but decides against saying it "you had nothing to wait for."

"The love of my life was dead" he plainly states "any normal person would allow the world to suddenly come to a standstill and mourn them the proper way. Instead of mourning you I decide to have meaningless sex. You know who I was….I'm that guy that attends a funeral only to have sex in the coat closet. That's how repulsive I am because rather than crying about it I decide sex is the way to go."

The word 'sex' causing Elena to flinch before she releases a soft sigh "when has anything about you ever been normal Damon" she counters.

Part of him wants to laugh at the comment but the other part remains silent not accepting it. "You're so accepting and understanding but how would you feel if you were still alive….if I hadn't killed you?"

"I would still understand" Elena firmly states.

"Well let's see if you'll sing the same tune because I didn't kill you. It was all in my head. I thought I had but eventually, Enzo convinced me otherwise. You're still alive and well" he smoothly delivers.

 _I didn't kill you_

 _You're still alive and well_

Processing what Damon has just told her as she practically jumps off her chair and strides towards him. As if she's suddenly possessed her hand striking him on the cheek "how could you" she yells in his face.

Stiffening, body going rigid as he feels the vibration of her hand against his cheek _there this is exactly what I wanted._ Rubbing his cheek "see" his tone smug as ever knowing his mask is starting to conceal what he's afraid to show "you changed your tune. Now keep going….hit me….yell at me" he instructs "hit me with your best shot."

The cold and detached delivery causing Elena to shake her head "no Damon that was for the fact that you led me to believe that I was dead….letting me process the fact that I'd never find my way out of here. That I'd never have a chance to have the future that you and I planned….how dare you for letting me think that what we had promised each other was gone forever."

"It is gone forever" he corrects "because what I did was unforgivable. I cheated on you Elena any promises we made shouldn't happen because I don't deserve it." That mask slipping as vulnerability showcases on his expression "I don't deserve it" he says again before turning from her.

Watching as Damon turns from her as she remains in her spot "well what about what I deserve" she softly questions.

Shoulders sagging in defeat as Damon hears Elena's question but he remains with his back to her before he forces himself to finally turn around and look at her. "You deserve a man, not some boy who pitches a fit when things don't go his way."

"I deserve a man who when his arms wrap around me I feel safe. I deserve a man who when my world is crumbling at the seams he still has the ability to draw a smile from me. A man who when he kisses me….makes love to me makes it feel like it's our first time again." Carefully taking a step towards him "who even in my darkest of days delivers light….who I can turn to…who supports me" another step forward "someone who makes me glad to be alive." Now standing in front of him as she hesitantly reaches up resting her hand on his cheek "someone who has the power to consume me" her other hand lifting now using both hands to cup his face "who I want to build a future with" not missing Damon's intake of breath "and the only man who fits that description is you."

When Damon feels Elena's hand upon his cheek he has to blink back the tears threatening to form _how can you love me….how am I worthy of being loved by you_ he wants to cry out but is silenced as he listens to every word she says. "Elena" leaning into her touch "I hurt you."

"No Damon" tenderly stroking his cheek with her thumbs "you hurt yourself."

Damon's hands moving to settle over hers "I did something horrible. You should hate me."

Interlacing her fingers through his "how can I hate a man who was at his most broken…who had decided to not only give up on life but himself?"

"Elena…"

Knowing that she was going in circles because he was refusing to accept it "alright" _we'll go about it in a different way_ "tell me about it."

Damon's brows furrowing in sudden confusion "about what?"

"The sex" she simply answers.

"What" Damon practically scoffs "why the hell would I tell you about the sex….I told you it was meaningless there is nothing to discuss" removing her fingers from him as he slips out of her hold.

"You said you wanted me to hate you" she counters "so I want to hear about it. Give me a reason to hate you."

"I told you I had sex that should be reason enough for you to hate me" he fires back.

"Well it's not I'm going to need a little more details," she says with a shrug of her shoulders. "So" she begins "was she a good kisser?"

Damon's hand rubbing his forehead in frustration "seriously Elena I'm not doing this with you."

"You're not answering which means you must have enjoyed it" she nonchalantly states.

"I didn't" he growls out in agitation.

"Then talk about the kiss" Elena once again requests.

"What do you want me to say Elena" throwing his hands up in surrender "she kissed me first and I reeled back thinking wow this woman is desperate. Who the hell does she think she is not just strolling into the room but kissing me…thinking I'd actually wanted to be kissed by her of all people? I wanted to ask her who the hell she thought she was tell her that I was waiting…but then I realized there was no one worth waiting for. I looked at her differently allowed myself the foolish thought of picturing you in front of me. Then suddenly I realized I didn't even deserve the luxury of envisioning you so instead of being gentle….I was rough…..I tasted the tequila on my lips and swallowed it whole."

Elena knew what she was doing. She wanted Damon to see how she viewed the whole situation but hearing him talk about it wasn't easy. Flashes of a faceless woman entering her mind as the stranger pressed her lips to Damon, trailed her hands along his naked back and wrapped her legs around him as he drove himself inside of her. Shaking her head and removing those images from her mind because this wasn't about her _this is about Damon._ "How" this next question causing her to feel sick to her very stomach "how was it being inside of her?"

Damon's eyes widening at her next question "no" fiercely shaking his head "this is where I draw the line….we aren't going there….I told you enough" brushing past her. Gaze locked on the doors half tempted to exit but fearing what was behind those doors. Fearing that if he was to exit he'd leave Elena completely.

Whirling around so that she can face him just in time to catch him once again with his back to her "no Damon" her own voice rising "you're asking me to hate you….so make me hate you. Tell me how it felt when you were inside her. Did it feel good" each new question breaking her "did you enjoy yourself?"

As quick as Elena had turned around Damon's turn was faster. Wanting to tune out what she was demanding of him. Wanting to place his hands over his own ears to shut her up.

"Come on Damon" using Damon's tactic against him "make me hate you" she practically taunts "tell me how it was being inside of her."

This entire time Damon had been holding back. Holding back the rage threatening to come out but the more Elena poked at past and hell new wounds he found them opening up again. No longer able to contain his anger "SHUT UP" he roars out before he angrily uses his strength to push the chairs that are beside him, watching as they practically fly into the wall.

Damon's yelling and the crash of the chairs enough for Elena to jump back. Swallowing the sob that wants to come out, brown eyes looking anywhere but him as she casts her gaze towards the floor.

The rage that Damon had been feeling washing away the second he catches the fear in Elena's eyes and immediately he hates himself for being the cause of it. Shame now reflecting on his darkened features _great job idiot here Elena is suffering being here all alone and you make this all about your man pain._ It had been just a short second but in that second the monster had overcome the man and because of this, he had Elena now suddenly in fear of him.

"Elena"

The step forward that he had proceeded breaking his dead heart when he watches her take a small step back. Refusing to meet his own gaze. Just seconds ago she had admitted to him he had been the one to make her feel the safest and now here she was afraid of not only him but his reckless nature.

"Elena" he tries again only to be met by a silence he deserves. Suddenly he realizes what he must do _alright if this is what you want._

"After I had turned I had made a vow to myself to wait for Katherine. To remain loyal to her…faithful to her and I did when it came to matters of the heart but sometimes loneliness would get the best of me and I'd find myself giving in. It wasn't love but it helped because it satisfied the craving whether it be hunger, sex or both. At the time, it was enough. Never once did I remain unfaithful to her when it came to matters of the heart….until you."

Chancing a glance over to her seeing that she had now sat back down again with her back to him "once I accepted what I felt for you that it was deeper than lust I realized I was screwed" a rich chuckle escaping Damon. "I had to watch from the sidelines you give affections towards my brother and it hurt more than I'd like to admit. I watched you look at him in a way I yearned for you to look at me….always Stefan it's always going to be Stefan" his past insecurities getting the better of him. "It was a motto I recited in my head over and over again. I told myself if I could move on from you….distract myself from what I really wanted it would get easier so I looked to other women and for the time being it worked."

Why was he talking about a time they weren't together? Why couldn't he just be straight forward? Why was he hurting the both of them? They had been separated for so long and now they had found their way back only instead of holding onto each other they were keeping each others at arm's length. Elena keeping her back to Damon as she remains in her seat and keeps her attention focused straight ahead.

"It took me over a century to realize what Katherine and I had shared wasn't real. I thought I had known what it felt like to make love but I was wrong because that night when you and I finally gave in" a small smile forming "that's when I finally experienced what it was like to make love. I remember you once admitting to me that you were scared because you felt you lacked experience and I'd grow bored. The truth is that night every past encounter that I shared with a woman paled in comparison because for the first time in my life I hadn't had sex with any girl…I had made love to the girl."

"You want to know what it felt like with" lips pursed together trying to remember her name, _Katie….Krissy…..Carrie…well, whatever the hell her name is_ waving it off as if she's nothing and she is. "With her" he finishes "it felt empty being inside of her. A chorus of moans didn't leave my lips because I didn't find completeness being inside of her…..I wasn't whole. I felt numb and for the first time I realized sex wasn't the answer because it didn't help. It didn't distract and for once it didn't make me feel better, in fact, it made me feel worse. It felt" considering it for a moment "it felt like it was done out of obligation rather than pleasure."

Still nothing, not a damn peep but he could hear her intake of breath as he spoke of the encounter. Mustering up the courage to move forward until he's crouched down at her side "I felt empty because all I could think of was the fact that it didn't feel right. It felt wrong. Being with you" licking his lips nervously "being inside of you I felt complete….whole….being inside you felt like I was coming home."

Everything that Damon said Elena listened to. As he recalled their first time together she couldn't stop the bittersweet smile that had played across her lips. Remembering how nervous she had been and now realizing he had been just as nervous. Remembering how Damon's mouth had swallowed her cries as he settled inside of her, how her fingers had moved to his shoulders and her nails dug into his flesh urging him on.

Damon's voice now closer enough to snap her out of her the past and focus back to the present. Now taking notice of Damon kneeling down beside her. The mention of whole and home finally causing her to flick her brown eyes in his direction "which is why asking me to hate you is impossible…because you didn't sleep with her for pleasure you did it to punish yourself."

Brown finally meeting blue as Damon silently thanks the universe or whatever powers that may be for Elena finally looking his way "I still did it, though."

"I know."

"Then why won't you hate me" he desperately questions.

A soft sigh escaping her as she places her hand on his cheek "because you're doing enough of it all on your own."

"What do you mean?"

Relieved that he wasn't pulling back from her she uses this moment to trace her thumb along his cheek "you hate yourself Damon….and I understand it's because you are ashamed of the choice you made but it's deeper than that" she observes. Softly smiling as she catches his eyes flutter closed for a brief moment "so what is the real reason….why do you hate yourself so much?"

The question Elena was presenting to Damon enough for his eyes to open so that he can look at her. Back in the land of the living, he had never considered why he had been so angry with himself but now that she had said it out loud it was time for him to finally answer. "I" battling with himself "because I erased you."

"How did you erase me" she whispers, her tone soft as ever not wanting to scare him off. Not wanting Damon to retreat back into that shell of sarcasm, detachment, and dry humor.

"It was bad enough that at the time I thought I had removed you from my life….but then I went one step further by removing you completely. That night I believed I had nothing to lose and nothing to gain but I was wrong because I did lose something" swallowing hard "I lost you." This time, it's Damon who takes his thumb running it along the seam of her lips "I replaced our last kiss with a stranger's….a kiss that held promise….devotion and love wiped away. Lips that had molded perfectly against mine no longer did I have because they were replaced by the lips of a needy stranger." Lowering his hands as he reaches for both of hers, gently taking them in his larger ones "a touch that had the power to soothe me….suddenly erased and replaced with a touch that drew me to flinch. I removed every trace of you."

Lowering her gaze towards their intertwined hands giving his hands a soft squeeze silently urging him to continue on because she knows there is more to be told.

"I had lost everything" he brokenly confesses "the girl, my house, my town, my mother, my sanity, my friends" each new loss that he lists causing him to become all the more vulnerable as he opens himself up fully to her. No longer does he find himself hiding "my future….my brother and at the time myself. I only had myself, Elena. I was my own island and that was the only sound that I heard. My own echo…the sound of my own cries."

One second Elena had been mad at Damon wanting to push him far from her reach but now as his own hands began to shake in hers and he admitted to what he had been holding back all she wanted to do was hold onto him. "Oh Damon" knowing whatever she said wouldn't be enough to heal him.

"My heart was in that coffin with you Elena and when I thought you burned…my heart burned along with you. Perhaps I was still living but I was nothing but an empty vessel. I felt nothing and as far as I was concerned I was dead inside. I hate myself, Elena, because I removed you. Had I actually lost you I would have had nothing else to hold onto while I lived the rest of my miserable life."

"Damon"

"That's why I hate myself Elena because I didn't love you enough to hold onto you" he finally admits as tears begin to shine in his eyes.

Suddenly it all making sense now fully coming together as she takes her thumb sweeping it underneath his eye to collect a tear that had escaped from what he was fighting back. "If that's the case Damon" lifting their interlaced hands to her lips and pressing a kiss against his knuckles before lowering their hands. "Then I didn't love you enough either when I asked Alaric to remove my memories of you. We each believed the other to be dead…real or not it was enough to destroy us and turn to drastic measures."

Sucking in an un-needed breath as her lips graze his knuckles "its different Elena."

"No" shaking her head "maybe the actions were different but at the end of the day we each gave up because we had thought we had lost each other but we didn't" increasing her grip on his hands "we're right here….I'm right here Damon…and I'm still that girl you said goodbye to on that road….I'm still that girl who is madly in love with you and wants a future with you."

The confliction on Damon's face clear as day as he battles himself because everything Elena was telling him seemed right but he still viewed himself in the wrong. He still felt he wanted to drown in his regret and sorrow and Elena wanted the opposite which was something he wasn't sure he could give.

Seeing that Damon was being stubborn as ever and not refusing to throw in the towel she decides on another method. "Do you know why I come back to this place….to this memory?"

"Had to be my epic I'm taking the cure with you speech" finally able to add some lightness to the conversation even managing a teasing smirk.

"It was one hell of a speech which I absolutely love but it was after the speech" keeping hold of Damon's hands she sneaks past him. Leading him forward, taking the steps to the altar and correcting their positions so they are now standing face to face with each other.

Obediently and without question he follows her onto the altar as a sense of déjà vu hits him looking down at their interlaced hands. Blue meeting the purest and most beautiful shade of brown as they face each other.

"Do you remember what you said to me after we kissed?"

A telltale smirk tugging at his lips "yes I told you to get your dirty head out of the gutter because even I knew it would be frowned upon to have sex in a designated church and holy art thou place."

Rolling her eyes as she nudges her shoulder against his "the next part" not able to stop the smile from forming on her lips "when you took my hand and led me to the altar."

* * *

 _The kiss between them being sealed with a promise, a promise that whatever may come after taking this cure they'll survive this because they always survive. Damon could feel the saltiness of her tears on his lips as they trailed down her cheek, luckily for him, these were happy tears. Taking the pad of his thumb and lightly sweeping it along, brushing away her tears as their lips remained locked together. The once chaste and loving kiss becoming more passionate, but then again it's not all that surprising considering they've always been consumed by one another. Tracing his tongue along the seam of her lips, lightly nipping her bottom lip, asking for permission to enter, to which she grants. Their tongues entangling, intertwining as they participate in their usual erotic and passionate tango for dominance._

 _Breaking from the kiss allowing a now human Elena to catch her breath and reaching for her hand "come on" he instructs as he begins to lead them towards the altar steps._

 _Catching her breath, Elena's brows knitting in confusion as she sees where he's pulling her towards "Damon" she scolds him "I know we've been known for sometimes not doing it behind closed doors but this definitely is when I have to draw the line."_

 _Pulling Elena impossibly close to him "wow Elena I am wounded for you to think I'd have the audacity to add some kink to this" Damon's gaze flicking around the barn house before looking back at her "holy art thou place. I know that I'm known for being dirty but get your mind out of the gutter dirty one." Catching her pout as he dips his head down to press a kiss to her forehead "now stop with the protesting and follow me before I drop this cheesy, cliché and not so much me act."_

 _Playfully rolling her eyes at him but following him none the less as he leads her up the altar steps "mind explaining to me what we are doing here?"_

" _Such a curious one" placing his hands on her shoulders and lightly pushing her back a few steps before turning her towards him. Satisfied as they are now face to face with each other "I want to take a moment and enjoy this moment with you….one that is filled with peace. One that feels like the sun has finally come out and it's shining down upon us." Ironically the sun had chosen to stream through the windows of the barn "I don't want to take this moment for granted because the truth is we never know what's going to happen….doom and gloom might suddenly be thrust upon us making our world go dark. I want to appreciate this."_

* * *

Damon's bittersweet smile now matching with Elena's as he reaches down taking both of her hands now in his own "I Damon Salvatore" he begins keeping his cobalt hues locked on her.

* * *

" _I Damon Salvatore vow to you Elena Gilbert" love reflecting in his baby blues "that I am all in. That though I am absolutely terrified of becoming human again that I will never regret my choice. That when my day goes dark I will remind you of this day…of when I told you that as scared as I am this is by far the best thing that has happened to me. That this is the epitome of love." Lifting their interlaced hands to rest against both of their chests._

* * *

With their hands now settled between their chests, Elena offers Damon a loving smile as she begins to recite her past words "I Elena Gilbert."

* * *

 _Tears welling in her eyes completely touched by Damon's gesture "I Elena Gilbert vow to you Damon Salvatore that you won't be in this alone. That when it's our toughest of days I will remind you that I was wrong. That when I said out of all the wrong choices I've made this will prove to be the worst one but the truth is it wasn't because it was the best one I could have made along with being human with you. On the days you see yourself as a lost cause I will let you see yourself through my eyes."_

 _Both of them sharing a knowing smile as Elena continues "that you will never have to worry about me turning my back on you….that I'll walk away because when it's real" swallowing hard "when it's real you don't walk away and what we share is real."_

 _Lifting their interlaced hands to his lips as Damon presses a kiss to each of her knuckles not leaving any out. Drawing back as he smiles lovingly at her "that if by chance the universe is still cruel to us we won't accept defeat we fight because we're survivors."_

 _A knowing expression displaying on her gorgeous features as she nods her head in agreement "we always survive."_

* * *

"We didn't survive this though Elena I screwed up" letting go of her hands but still remaining standing face to face with her. "That future we promised each other should be far within my reach because I don't even deserve the chance to touch it."

"Fine Damon" agitation in her voice "you screwed up."

"Thank you" he fires back. This time stepping down from the altar as he begins to make his way back towards the chairs wanting to sit but mostly to get away from her.

 _Oh no, you don't_ watching as he starts to walk off from her "look I know that you aren't happy with the choices that you made. Yes, I'll admit it hurts me….to know that another woman was intimate with you but it hurts me ten times more to know that the only reason it happened was because you had given up. I'm not going to let some one-night stand screw up the future you and I planned with each other."

The clicking and clacking of heels alerting Damon that this stubborn girl was still chasing off after him _got to give her points for dedication._

 _I'm not going to let Silas's two-thousand-year-old ex-girlfriend screw things up between us_

 _You think I am? No one tells me how to live my life. No one tells me who I love especially not some vindictive prehistoric witch and definitely not the universe._

"You want to be mad at yourself Damon then be mad at yourself but I'm not going to let you tell me if you have the right to be loved by me or not. I'm not going to let you tell me that I should give up on you."

 _I'm not going to let someone's idea of destiny stop me from loving you, being with you or building a future with you._

"I'm not going to let a meaningless one night stand stop me from loving you, from being with you and more than anything wanting to build a future with you" Elena passionately voices to him.

Freezing on the spot as déjà vu hits him only, this time, the roles have been reversed and it's Elena who is fighting for him _who has always fought for me._

 _Because you are my life_

"I don't know how long I've been in here in truth it feels like forever. I relive memories of my loved ones and find myself wondering what they are doing now. Then I find myself suddenly wanting to break down realizing that I'm not only missing out on them but I'm most likely missing out on giving them a goodbye. Matt, Alaric, Bonnie, and Jeremy….they will all grow old and even if I do get to see my brother he'll probably be too old in age to even remember me his sister. I cry for a good amount of time mourning those who I will have to accept coming out of here that I lost. Part of me even fears wanting to go back because I'm scared of the change that I will be greeted to but then I'm reminded of you waiting for me and the anxiety along with the fear disappears."

Now standing directly behind him with his back still remains to her. "So many times I have relived past memories of us because they are what keeps me going. Knowing that eventually this solitude and pain will be worth it because I'll find myself back in your arms again…I'll finally be able to feel whole again."

Placing her hands on both of his shoulders as she turns him around so that he's facing her, arms lacing around his neck keeping him as her prisoner so that he's not able to escape.

"I can't give up on you Damon" her eyes boring into his "I can't give up on us because you are my light at the end of the tunnel."

Daring to not remove his gaze from her finding himself completely in a trance.

"You're the lighthouse that navigates me safely through a sea of darkness" Elena's hands dropping to now grip at the collar of his tux.

"That leads me home" blinking back the tears that are starting to form "to you."

Elena eventually trying to fight off the tears threatening to escape failing as Damon watches tears roll down her cheek. Hands that had remained at his side now moving so that he can take the pad of his thumbs and swipe them away ever so gently.

"You're my home, Damon."

Forgiving himself was going to be quite the task but as he watches the love of his life falling apart in front of him he knows that he has to try. Remembering their past vows to each other about not walking away because what they share is real and that alone is enough for him to stay. Overwhelmed by the love this woman holds for him wondering how someone as good, pure, selfless and beautiful as Elena Gilbert could ever love a man like him.

Now framing her face in his hands as he studies her, taking her in and letting it sink in that these tears are for him. Trying to let it sink in that everyone in his life had viewed him as a lost cause, turned their back on him and nothing had come close to what he had done to Elena yet she was still here, fighting for him and loving him.

Feeling Elena's thumb sweeping along his cheek it takes a second for him to realize he too now is crying and, this time, he doesn't hold it off. This time, he allows her love for him to overpower his need to conceal his vulnerability. This time, he decides to no longer fight what he's wanted to tell her ever since they had found each other again.

A shadow of a smile showing on his lips and love reflecting in his eyes as he tenderly caresses her cheek.

"You are my life, Elena."


End file.
